The Greatest Pokemon X Middle Earth Story Ever Told
by timprime2
Summary: Ash, Gandalf, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-air have set off on an adventure in Middle Earth. Meanwhile, Professor Oak and the gang are dealing with a big aped menace.
1. Chapter 1

**The Summer Prof Oak met Donkey Kong**

By: TimePrime2

Co-written by TimPrime1

Age: 25

It was a hot and steamy summer and nobody was wearing clothes in Pallet town.

**E**ver since ash left for Middle Earth with Gandalf and The Fresh Prince of Bel-air on the S. S. Anne, not only has the economy collapsed, but global warming is raising the temperature here in the wonderful world of Pokemon. Summer was just getting started.

A Starmie was spinning quickly while spraying a mist of water into the air. Brock and his new girlfriend Misty were sitting in their one piece bathing suites trying to cool off. "Man, I wish my favorite Pokemon Sonic The Hedgehog would return home from the hunt. I'm starving", said Brock. Misty furrowed her brow and said, "Brock, you need to shave those eye brows. How can you even see? Those things are gross and crusty." Brock simply smiled and said, "Babe, it's these eyebrows that made you want me in the first place." She laughed and farted loudly.

"Here he comes!" exclaimed one of the professor's intern assistants.

Slowly, out of the woods crawled a small fat Italian man wearing overalls with a 400 lb moose carcass being dragged behind him.

"It is him, it's Sonic The Hedgehog!" said the new assistant. Everyone was real happy. Everyone except Professor Oak, that is.

Professor Oaks mood changed immediately. "I don't like Italians and I don't want him to cook the food. I'm not going to have another repeat of The Olive Garden!"

And that's when Oak had his flash back.

He was a young man just out of Science High School and he was on a hot date with Ashes Mom. She was, like, 11 at the time. He didn't have much money so he ordered the soup salad and bread sticks and two waters. "THIS IS ALL YOU THINK OF ME!" exclaimed ashes mom. "Wait! I made you a bracelet out of breakfast cereal and yarn!"

She left him there sobbing in the restaurant. That was a terrible day.

Oak glanced over at her and she looked away as if without any sympathy. Misty and Brock just looked at each other and shrugged uncomfortably.

Suddenly, from the woods behind Sonic The Hedgehog, a powerful roar was emitted and the sound of stomping could be felt by everyone in Pallet Town.

"Satan's Beard!" cried Ashes mom. To the groups horror, a large red Ape with a tie came thwamping through the forests. The ape uprooted an entire tree and slapped Sonic the Hedgehog with it. Sonic flew into the sky screaming "Kahmehamehe" which is Italian for something, probably.

The beast saw the group and let out a giant bellowing roar that sent shivers down their spines. He pointed at Oak and made a throat slitting gesture at him.

"Everyone get inside the lab, quick!" Yelled Oak, and they all rushed inside. Everyone got like, real scared. They huddled together in a corner in the back of the lab behind a table with three pokeballs on it.

Brock held Misty close. She was sobbing uncontrollably. Brock looked to Oak. "What do we do?!"

Oak was facing away from everyone. He was ominously quiet for a few moments…

"First, I'm going to have to tell you all a story…"

He sighed.

"Everyone has heard of the legend of the Pokemon Mew, right?"

"No… what's a Mew professor?" enquired the new assistant.

"According to legend, Mew was a powerful Ice Bird type Pokemon that once terrified nations and murdered women and children for fun thousands of years ago. We discovered in the early 80's that there was truth to the legends… "

Another flashback.

"Hurry up you damned gypsies!" Oak was most perturbed by his new workers. They were younger than the last ones, the average age being only nine, so he didn't understand why they were so slow. It's not like their work had truly injured any of them yet.

Just then a young man darted through the dark with a scared and deranged look on his face. "Mewtanka! Ogaboogaboogalooga hanky panky ding dong! Mewtanka!" He was screaming and he kept running out of the cave. The rest of the gypsy workers yelled something in Weabooese (their native tongue) and ran past Oak almost trampling him in the process.

"Where the hell are you going you filthy savage heathens!?" yelled oak after them. He got up, dusted himself off, and picked up a torch. He didn't understand what the fuss was about, but he knew he couldn't go back empty handed again. This was his last chance at Science University, and if he blew it, he would never be taken seriously again by the Scientific Community of Scientists doing Science Club.

He walked through the hallway. Suddenly, there were paintings and carvings all over the walls. He cleared some cobwebs and blew the dust away, so that he could get a better look.

What he saw excited him greatly. It was a carving of the legendary ice bird Mew. "Finally, all my work is paying off!"

*Scratch scratch scratch*

Oak turned, startled by the noise, and strained to see into the room at the end of the hallway. He crept slowly forward, on his guard.

At the end of of hallway he saw a number of clay jars on the floor, and there, in the middle of the room was an ornate stone sarcophagus. He lifted the lid of the sarcophagus and threw the heavy stone slab to the ground. The room resonated with a loud bang.

Oak peered into the sarcophagus. There was dust, and a single blue feather… Icy blue…

Oak couldn't wait to return to Science University with his findings. He placed the feather in his fanny pack and rushed out of the cave excited.

He was blinding by the light of the sun when he rushed out, so he almost didn't see the group of gunmen surrounding the mouth of the cave.

"You will surrender the artifact at once and come with us!" yelled the African American man in charge.

Shit. It was the Soviets.

"I am Comrade Obama. You will come with me and my men at once.

Oak knew there was nothing he could do. He threw his hands in the air as to surrender. He knew not what fate awaited him. They threw a sack over his head. They led him through the wilderness

"Where are we?!"

It was pitch black and Oak couldn't see anything. Suddenly there was light, and then Oak could see the cherry of a cigarette and the glow of Obama's face.

"Welcome to the basement of Communist Community College, Professor. You will be doing research for us. You will make us a weapon that will destroy our enemies and force everyone to accept our socialist health care policies."

Oak sneered. "Bastards."

Suddenly the butt of a gun smashed into Oak's jaw. The other armed soldier in the room meant there was no way he could overpower Obama and escape.

"You will work for us or else" said Obama coolly. The lights came on with a click.

Obama threw an image of Oaks secret daughter on the floor and awaited Oak's reaction with a sinister grin.

"Leave her out of this!". Oak was nearly in tears.

"We can end her life any time Professor. If you cooperate, we won't have to do anything to her."

"Now" said Obama with a much less ominous tone to his voice. Meet your assistants. Oak saw a number of Russian scientists in lab coats and despised everyone of them. He began his plans to kill them all immediately. With every hand he shook, he forced his rage deeper into his bowels. He would kill them all later. He swore. He would see them all dead.

Months had gone by. All that time and all that work had coalesced to this moment. Professor Fuckokov threw the switch. God I hope this works thought Oak. Understanding Mews DNA was no easy task, because it was the 80s and computers were all pretty shitty at that time. The Reds wanted to splice Mews DNA with that of a human in order to make a super soldier.

The machine made a weird hushing sound and smoke filled the room. Everyone was pretty excited… Everyone except Oak, that is.

On the table sat a small Red monkey with a tie. It was crying. Everyone was shaking hands and celebrating, but Oak was suddenly thinking of his daughter. He remembered how she cried when she was born. How his wife had died giving birth, and how he felt when the conflicting emotions nearly ripped him apart from the inside has he gazed down at his daughter. He ended up leaving the girl at an orphanage in Lavender town. He regretted it every day of his life.

Oak approached the monkey creature, picked it up, and held it in his arms as to comfort and warm it.

Obama came in with a squad of soldiers. The baby was snatched from him and he was hit in the head with a blunt object… He blacked out.

He awoke the next day, nude, on the side of the road with a really bad headache. He followed the road to the nearest town, Pallet Town, where he was cared for by the locals.

"What a story", said Ashes mother. Her eyes were glossed over as if touched by Oaks tale. Their gaze locked briefly, but was suddenly interrupted by the banging on the door from the monster that lurked outside.

"I think the monster has come to meet its maker", said Oak.


	2. Chapter 2

**Trouble in Middle Earth**

Gandalf didn't trust him one bit. He was dark skinned, his tongue was sharp and quick, and his clothes were outrageous. He had never seen anyone like him before and if it weren't for the fact that he was of noble blood, he would never have agreed to take Will along. The white wizard was mostly worried that this… 'Fresh Prince' would steal something. Gandalf liked Ash, and Ash seemed to be fine with Will, but he kept a close watch and made sure his coin purse remained tightly tied to his belt under his robes at all time.

Gandalf wasn't too fond if Ash's strange electric rodent either. Having a familiar wasn't an unknown concept to him as in his youth he himself had a cat named 'Mr. Biscuits', but in all of the Middle Earth bestiaries, Gandalf had never seen anything about an electrically charged beaver. It seemed to understand the speech of men, but it couldn't speak the language itself. In fact all it could say was variations of its own name, 'PeePee'. He found it quite annoying and thought it would make a fine stew. He stopped to puff on his pipe for a moment, then he kept on walking.

"Where are we going pops?" Will was eager to meet the females of Middle earth.

"Don't call me pops. To meet an old friend in the forests of Fangorn."

Ash's stomach began to rumble and make noises everyone could hear. "I'm sure hungry Gandalf, do you think we could stop at a tavern and find something to eat?"

"PeePee", said PeePee in agreement.

"As soon as we find Hogwarts castle, it should be just over the next hill. We'll stay the night there."

"That's what you said before old man. When are we going to meet some elven ladies?"

Gandalf was hungry too. "We'll be there soon I think."

After about 20 more minutes they managed to find Hogwarts castle, where they were welcomed by Headmaster Picard Xavier.

"Welcome to Picard Xavier's School for gifted Card Game Players" said the handsome bald headed sonofabitch. He grasped Ash's hand firmly first.

Ash could feel Xavier's thoughts. "Welcome to Ash. I know about your masturbation habits."

He moved on to Will. "Welcome Will. I know the future. You'll never make it as a hiphop artist. No one respects you for your music."

Will and Ash looked at each other uncomfortably and then looked to the floor. Neither one of them said anything.

Xavier moved on to Gandalf, but when he grabbed his hand he was taken aback. "Fuck off. I'm Gandalf the White" rang loudly through Xaviers head. Gandalf had a shit eating grin on his face.

Xavier backed up, paused for a minute, and then put the charm back on." Well, I assume you're all hungry so let us retire to the dining hall!"

The dining hall was massive. There were huge tables filled with all kinds of food. Ash and Peepee the electric beaver made a bee line for the riceball shaped donuts while Will seemed to have an affinity for the fried chicken and greens.

"Mmm. These donuts are great. Jelly filled are my favorite. Nothing beats a Jelly filled Donut."

Will sat down to eat too, but then something caught his eye. A beautiful elf girl in a pink and white dress was staring at him. When she noticed he had spotted her she blushed and retreated down the hallway as quickly as she could. Will had already decided he wanted some of that lean white elven meat. Neither Gandalf, Ash, or Xavier noticed when he wondered off into the castle. Actually, they probably didn't give a shit.

"So my old friend, how goes the school? Did you ever get that funding for senior citizens water aerobics class?" Gandalf decided to be polite and make small talk.

"No… no. The council only cares about funding our card game students. You know, I find it all terribly bizarre that anyone would spend this much money on cards. Remember when we were kids and we actually learned Magic?! Remember how we used to join forces with gallant heroes and accomplish things? Well now everyone just wants to play Magic TCG. They cut all the funding for Potion Making, Defense Against the Dark Arts training, and Enchantment classes. Times are truly horrible. I don't know what we would do if the armies of Morrowind decided to attack tomorrow. We aren't training warlocks anymore, and sticks and swords can only get you so far and I don't really trust these summoners. It's a mess…."

"Mmmm… mmmmhmm." Gandalf wasn't actually listening to this.

Ash and PeePee were getting noticeably fatter but they just kept going at it.

Will found himself in a court yard and there, seated at a fountain was a young girl humming a familiar tune. Will walked up to her and introduced himself. After ogling her for a few moments he unleashed his greatest pick up lines. "Hey girl. You look so good I'd marry your brother just to get in your family." She said nothing and didn't smile. Will didn't understand how this could have possibly have failed so he tried another one. "Yo baby, I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind *All Day!*" He got at least a little smile out of that one. Her armor was cracking. He had to lay one more on her. "Baby, If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Get it? That's a double entendre." She started giggling and blushed. "What's your name baby?"

She introduced herself as Zelda the elf.

PeePee and Ash couldn't move. All they could do is roll about on the floor. "I sure am stuffed".

"PeePee".

Gandalf smiled down at them shook his head, and said "come on boys, Hogwarts castle is a rare and beautiful sight you're going want to have a look around". Gandalf began to walk down the hall while Ash and PeePee sluggishly rolled on the floor after him.

"Be careful, Hogwarts has its fair share of dangers", called Xavier after them.

Zelda was showing Will some of her card techniques. Will found all of this terribly boring but pretended to care. She showed him how she could summon powerful creatures and create effects based upon the power of "lands" or some shit like that. She told him what a Planes Walker was and how the cards enabled her to have the abilities to summon creatures from other planes of existence. Will was actually taken aback by some of the horrible monsters he saw. He never guessed that this Zelda would use such dark creatures with terrible powers to defeat her enemies in such devious and crafty ways. He thought it was kind of hot.

Ash and Gandalf walked into the court yard just as Will summoned his first Bog Rat. The rat attacked PeePee and ripped at his throat. It was a critical hit. PeePee had just enough health to shoot a lightning bolt and the creature and it died, but to everyone's horror, PeePee collapsed.

"PeePee…?" It had all happened so fast Ash didn't really know how to react. The brim of his hat darkened his face. He fell to his knees in front of his fallen friend.

"Pee…." Was all that PeePee could get out. Then he soiled himself.

"I…. I…." Will didn't know what to say.

"You abrasive negro! What have you done!" Cried Gandalf.

Will hadn't been this upset since the whole speed incident with Carlton at the prom. He ran out of the court yard and bolted for the Hogwarts gates towards the forests. Zelda reached out, but didn't chase him.

"Ash, we might be able to rescue PeePee yet! I am a true Planes Walker. I will try to take you back to your time where PeePee can be adequately cared for." He then surrounded Ash and PeePee with his huge white cape and *poof*, they were gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Making of Men**

PeePee wasn't doing so great. They had stopped the bleeding but he was so weak.

"Pee…. pee".

"Shhhh. You need to save your strength." Ash put another log in the fire. He was very worried about his friend.

Gandalf was puzzled by this place. He could sense magic in this world, but it wasn't the same as Middle Earth. He puffed on his pipe, then, he spoke. "Where are we Ash? Do you know?"

Ash had been through Viridian forest before, but it had been a while. "We need to go south to the next town. They have a hospital there where we can heal PeePee up."

Gandalf didn't much see the point in keeping the creature alive. It seemed like a waste of good meat.

"Gandalf" said Ash. "I'm so scared. If PeePee dies, then I don't know what I'll do. I'm a Pokemon master.. My dad was a pokemon master before me!" Then he started to cry.

Gandalf allowed it for a while, but then he stood up and said "Shut up you little bitch. It's an animal! You can just train another beast! Maybe a platypus or something!"

This made Ash very angry. Tears of rage streamed down his face. "How could you say that!? PeePee is my best friend! He's always been with me!"

"For fuck sakes…" Gandalf put his pipe to his mouth, but before he could draw smoke a blur grabbed his pipe and dashed into a bush.

"Wha?"

"Shhhh." Ashed put his finger to his lips.

Ash and Gandalf slowly crept up to the bush. Ash pulled a net out of his backpack. He whispered "Shake up the bush. I'll try to catch it with this net and try to put it in one of my pokespheres." Gandalf agreed. He awaited Ash's signal, and then started shaking the bush and making weird whooping noises that probably confused Ash more than the creature. Out popped a VagiSeal. Ash brought his net down over the creature.

"VAJAH!"

"Give me back my pipe you filthy creature" Gandalf snatched his pipe from the VajiSeal.

"Vajaaaah!"

"Well, we've captured it. Will it now bend to your will?"

"Not just yet." Ash pulled a pokesphere from his pocket. "We've got to catch it first."

Ash gently placed the pokesphere on the ground next to the creature. It expanded in a flash of light and then surrounded the pokemon, but then instantly broke into pieces.

"Darn. It's too strong to be captured and PeePee can't fight right now!"

"What do you mean fight?" Gandalf was puzzled.

"Usually how this works is, I make PeePee beat up on the wild pokemon, and then right before he beats it to death, I capture it in one of these pokespheres. After that it does whatever I tell it to do forever until it dies. Unfortunately, PeePee is in no condition to battle. Oh well, just let it go."

Gandalf hit VagiSeal in the face with his staff. "Now catch it Ash!"

"Right!" Ash gently placed another pokesphere on the ground next to the creature. This time, it sealed around VagiSeal.

"We did it! PeePee, did you hear that?! We have a new friend!" Ash ran over to PeePee and…

PeePee's body was being ripped apart by a bunch of wolves. Ash could see his intestines strewn out all over the ground. PeePee's head was being gnawed on by another wolf… "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO."

Ash started to charge the wolves, but Gandalf grabbed his shoulder before he could take another step forward. He planted his staff down and cast Firaga. One of the wolves was immediately obliterated. The other wolves saw this. They dropped PeePee's remains and bolted for the trees. Ash took one more glance at his friends remains, and then fainted.

"Brock and Misty. We're going to have to fight this thing." Misty pushed her body close to Brocks. "Do you think we can handle it?" Brock looked down at her. "I don't know. This thing is the result of men playing god. This thing has all the power of the legendary Mew, but with modification. It might even be stronger. Professor, what did you say the pokemon's name was again?

Oak frowned. "Donkey Kong."

The name sent shivers down the spines of everyone in the lab.

Oak grabbed one of the pokespheres from the table. "Brock. Misty. Come chose the Pokemon you will battle Donkey Kong with."

"But professor" interjected brock. "We already have pokemon!"

"Your pokemon are all weak faggots…"

Misty and Brock both Gasped.

"Ever since that day I found myself here in Pallet Town, I've been experimenting with a new type of pokemon. I took some of the more powerful pokemon, and turned them into androids that can transform into various vehicles. I call them, Transformermon."

"Professor! That's unethical!" The professors intern couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Oak grabbed him by the collar and threw him into a wall "Do you want the Communists to win? Do you think they would be ethical?! I'll die before I see Pallet town be ruled by communists! I'd sacrifice one thousand pokemon first. Better dead than red. "

There were three pokespheres and Brock wasn't sure which one to pick up. There was CharScream which could breath fire and turn into a jet. There was BlastBee, who could shoot powerful water cannons and transform into a sports car, and there was Venumus Prime, who had the power of plants, and could transform into an 18 wheeler. Misty picked up BlastBee, because she thought it had the cutest name. The professor picked up CharScream, because that was obviously the coolest one. Brock had secretly always wanted to be a trucker, so he picked Venumus Prime.

Oak gently placed his pokesphere on the ground. There was a flash, and then… There was CharScream. He was about 3ft high. Hot white fire blasted out of his mouth, It blow the door off its hinges. A shadow flung itself out of the way, dodging the door barely, and bounded backwards another 20 ft at an impossible speed. Donkey Kong was enormous. Brock calculated he must have been at least 11 ft tall.

The monster pounded his chest, bared his teeth, and emitted an impossibly loud screaming roar that was probably heard miles away.

"Gently place your pokespheres on the ground and try not to break they because they are expensive as shit!" Yelled Oak at Brock and Misty.

"Right!"

Two more tiny mechanical pokemon sprang into action. Venumus Prime whipped at Donkey Kong with his vines, but Donkey Kong dodged them easily. BlastBee launched a huge blast of water at Donkey Kong that was so powerful it took the trees with it. But It barely phased Donkey Kong, who dodged to the side like it was nothing.

"Good job guys, but it looks like he's ready to counter attack. Be on your guard!" Yelled Oak.

Will was cold and Hungry. He had no idea what to do or where to go. He had spent the night in an old ruin he found. He couldn't stop thinking about the events that had occurred yesterday. Will was only a teenager, and he had always tried to be smooth and suave in everything he did. Will knew the reality of things was that he always messed up somehow. Carl Winslow had done his best to raise him and his cousin Carlton to be men, but Will know that the sheltered life of Bell-air had not prepared him for life in the real world. He gazed out of the ruins. The sun was getting ready to come up. He didn't know where he was going, but he had seen enough of this place.

"WILL…"

Will bolted upright and looked around. No one was there. Will figured he was probably dehydrated. There was a lake nearby so he figured….

"WILL… CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

Will recognized that voice. It was Picard Xavier.

"What do you want? You gonna tell me I'm a failure just like everyone else? You gonna tell me how bad my music is again?".

"NO WILL. STOP BEING A CHILD. IT'S TIME TO PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY PANTS. COME BACK TO HOGWARTS AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE WAYS OF MANHOOD. I WILL GIVE YOU PURPOSE. I SENSE… SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU. I SENCE THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GREAT POWER."

"There's nothing there for me there old man. I don't belong anywhere."

"WILL, YOU CAN DO AS YOU PLEASE, BUT THERE IS AT LEAST ONE PERSON WHO REALLY WANTS YOU TO COME TO HOGWARTS."

Zelda….

Will got up, and for this first time he made a decision that he felt 100% confident about. He was going back to Hogwarts. He was gonna get him some of dat elf booty.


End file.
